UNLIKE Moira Dela Torre, we can’t write songs as an outlet for the misery of a breakup. We don’t have the privilege to perform in front of a captive audience and gain sympathy by sharing candid lyrics about an ex-husband.
Ang kapal ng mukha mo
Wala na nga tayo
Ba’t parang di pwedeng lumaya?
Wala naman akong kasalanan
Moira sang this to thousands of fans during a concert last January. Reading the lyrics makes you think she felt better. But we don’t have the luxury of unloading our heartaches in front of thousands.
So instead, we decided to speak to a counselor, Nathan Chua—the man behind the website onelifeonly.net — to help us untangle these chains that people like Moira are experiencing.
By discussing ways of recovering from such troubles, we can learn how to move on.
Slow things down
Take a breath.
According to Chua, we are built to dwell in the past and worry about the future. It is both the bane of our existence and the gift that makes us far more evolved than animals.
In this instance, we get bogged down by thinking about a million things at once.
We tend to wallow in the pain of a loss too much. Worse, we ponder on the mistakes that cost us dearly.
For example, you may have said something hurtful that led to the argument, which caused the eventual breakup. The idea consumes you because the thought of losing the person is hard to accept. You buckle in the weight of the good memories with the person that even the smallest moments haunt you.
“Ask yourself if you had a friend in this situation, would you rush your friend to get out of their emotions?” Chua asked, expecting a moment of realization.
He suggests that you see yourself from the outside. Try role-play. Imagine that you are your close friend. Answer this fundamental rhetorical question and act on your better judgment from the outside looking in.
“You know what it means to be a friend or to be kind to someone”, so treat yourself as such.
Be in the moment
You must have heard this a million times without giving it too much thought. It has become a cliche because the practice of the new age and eastern philosophy has gone mainstream.
However, Chua says it’s crucial to develop the skill of being in the moment.
“Notice whatever that is you are feeling, thinking, or sensing, and notice that at this moment, this is something your mind tells you you cannot have,” Chua said.
By paying attention to the feeling that makes you feel the way you do, you are moving closer to recovery and transformation.
You have to acknowledge the pain and the mental and physical effect on yourself while going through it.
Find the motivation
There are no 12 steps to recovery or a 21-day process you need to follow to experience change painstakingly. We are not machines, according to Chua.
If you’ve seen the movie “Jerry Maguire,” there is a scene where Cuba Gooding Jr.’s character is explaining to Tom Cruise’s Jerry Maguire to find the “Kwan”, it’s very similar.
The “Kwan” is the ultimate feeling of self-discovery, pure love and transformation. The “Kwan” is that thing that elevates your soul. The “Kwan”, in this case, is finding what motivates you to do better.
It acknowledges a simple truth in personal development. Only the person who experiences his reality can change his perception of it. So he suggests you find a purpose in turning things around and use it as your emotional anchor.
Once you start seeing the experience of hurt or loss as a way to self-improvement, you are on your way.
Be around positivity
“Allow yourself to dream of a future with this (any positive) experience. If you were creating a story of your life a year from now, and you were the hero of this story, how can that hero who’s a year younger use this moment to grow in wisdom and vitality?” proposed Chua.
It is not just about surrounding yourself with positive people or people who love and understand you. You also have to believe that moving on and the ways to reach it is not a series of tedious steps to stop the hurting but rather a pathway to a joyful experience.
Need someone?
If you think you need guidance or someone to talk to about your depression or anxieties, don’t hesitate to get in touch with a mental health professional, or you can check out Nathan Chua on his website
www.onelifeonly.net for more information about his counseling services.
According to his website: Nathaniel Chua earned his master’s degree in counseling from the Alliance Graduate School in Quezon City, Philippines, in 2009, and his undergraduate degrees in psychology and marketing management from the De La Salle University in Manila, Philippines, in 1988.
Nathan spent the first 20 years of his career running a family business with his mom and sisters and pursued a counseling career in the last 18 years.
