It’s deeply excruciating when you’re ready to open yourself up to the world and commit again, then suddenly, you were left behind for no apparent reason—much more if you were blamed for something you didn’t do: cheating.
This was the case of Elijah, 23, an administrative officer for a government agency in Quezon City. According to her, sometime in 2022, she met a guy named Aaron (not his real name) in a dating app.
“It was my first time downloading the app as I am very anxious to be committed to someone. But this time, I am ready and at that moment, I was hoping he would be my first and last man,” she told Popbitsph.
Elijah said everything went smoothly in the first two months of their relationship. Aaron was picking her up at her workplace, spending time with her on weekends, and chasing their dreams together. Not until the third month, Aaron started changing.
“I noticed he’s acting strangely. He usually picks me up at work, but there are times he will just message me that he won’t be able to come pick me up because of other reasons he can’t tell,” she said.
There were moments, too, according to Elijah, when Aaron just stopped communicating, disappeared, and then goes back again. This commenced with a more complicated setup and unending discussion, leaving Elijah to question herself as a woman and as a partner to Aaron.
“Until one day, he just left without any reason. I kept calling him and even going to his place, even if it was an hour away from me, just to know the reasons, but he was not showing up. After one week, he went back to me after I told him I wanted closure, and the first thing he said the moment I asked him why he left me, he just said: ‘Ikaw kasi. Parang napapansin ko masaya ka na lang palagi sa work mo ulit may lalaki dun, parang nagchi-cheat ka na sa’kin eh,’” Elijah said.
He keeps on blaming me for why our relationship fell apart. He was not listening to my explanations because “that guy he was jealous of was gay,” she added.
‘Was I ghostlighted? ’
“Did he ghostlight me so he could escape after that closure?” was the question raised by Elijah after narrating her experience.
What is “ghostlighting” and how does it work?
But how can they simultaneously ghostlight you? Well, once someone has suddenly vanished without warning, they might decide to reappear in your life at some point in the future, but without the obligatory apologies or explanations. However, they might simply deny ever ghosting you.
To put it simply, “ghostlighting” is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. What a combo!
Why do people ‘ghostlight’?
They may ghostlight because they fear being vulnerable and exposed to conflict if they reveal the genuine truth about why they disappeared in the first place, as well as embracing accountability about it.
When done on purpose, “ghostlighting” crosses the line from deceptive to manipulative. Someone appears to be “ghostlighting” you in an effort to make you feel like you caused their decision to ghost you or that your expectations of them were too high.
How to deal with it?
You may send a strong message that you won’t tolerate this kind of behavior by gently but firmly calling them out on it. If you make others aware of the problem, they will have more of a reason to leave you alone, so don’t be timid about speaking up.
Even though taking care of your physical and emotional necessities generally won’t have any effect on “ghostlighting,” it can have a bearing on your psychological state. A ghostlighter might try to paint care for oneself as a luxury you don’t deserve or paint you as sluggish or excessive if you engage in it. Even so, it’s crucial to stick to healthy routines of taking care of yourself.
